Pimp your temp

Agencies are, unfortunately, essential to the survival of any temp who wants to work regularly. Your agent or consultant is your pimp- if they like you and do good work for them you get to work for all the best clients, but if you don't measure up or don't give your consultant a good old ego massage, you end up at the scabbiest jobs that nobody wants with dreadful pay and conditions and, usually, no way out.

I went through my fair share of temp consultants in my time. If you're a guy, you're better off with a woman and if you're a girl, I think a man can serve you better. I don't know why this is- it just is.

On your first visit to a temp agency, you'll be interviewed in some way or another.. Your consultant- bored at having to see twenty hopeless wannatemps before you- will ask questions disinterestedly as you shuffle in your seat and wonder if this is a good idea after all. You'll be asked what kind of work you want to do, what your experience is and then depending on how modern your agency is, booked in to do some tests to make sure that you really do know Powerpoint inside out. These tests serve no purpose at all as far as I can see- they spit out results and statistics but they are only really forced on you to kill an hour while your consultant paints her nails or sexually harasses the office junior. I was once told I was a really fast touch typist by one agency. I am indeed, but only when I'm hitting the wrong keys- my consultant never even checked the accuracy, just that I'd managed to bang a few keys.

You'll then be told what's on offer at the moment. Occasionally, there are some dream jobs there. And then you wake up. Usually 75 per cent of them are the kind of shit people escaped from Kosovo to avoid, but it pays not to screw your face up too much as the options are explained. Try and be as honest as it's possible to be without taking your way out of a job. Go more for a "I'm not sure that I would have the necessary skills for that role" approach rather than a "stick it up your arse" gameplan. If you play ball and take the odd stinker, your consultant will eventually reward you for taking these shitty jobs off her hands and you'll end up in some of the high-flying temp roles like filing, booking train tickets and getting the boss's lunch.