Fantastic plastic

New job not going well so far. I'm in a reception that's air conditioned up to the eyeballs, meaning erection of nipples is a permanent fixture. People seem whingey and depressed and everybody has been here about 200 years. Girl I'm filling in for has trapped her arm in a car door, which has got to be the most ridiculous excuse for not being able to pick up a phone I've ever heard. Boss is a moron called Tush (?) who wear synthetic fibres and clicks and electric shocks his way around the carpeted entree- last decorated in 1954. I have no idea what the firm does but it looks boring. I had no internet access until this morning because the receptionist doesn't usually have that privilege. What the fuck does the usual receptionist do all day? Work? She must be mental- no wonder she's trapping limbs in the doors of range rovers.

Hopefully my stay in this pit will be brief. My agency called to see how it was going and for an email address where I could be contacted. I said "I'm lucky to have a phone, love- it's like a museum here. How long until I get parole?" May agent's fake laugh tinkled down the receiver like someone pouring broken glass down a drainpipe and she told me that hopefully the girl I was replacing- I say girl but judging by her desk ornaments she's more of a gran- was not to be off long.

Met my new gay best friend Rob for lunch yesterday and was pumping him for questions about why- all of a sudden- he turned out to be taking it for the team instead of living his idyllic life with his girlfriend. He told me that when he realised he wasn't just going to the sports centre with her brother for a game of squash but also for a glance at his dick something wasn't quite right. Fair enough. Apparently his girlfriend didn't take the news that he was leaving very well and so he has lost a few shirts, suits and ties to some scissors along the way. Poor Rob.

Well, lunchtime waits for no-one so it's time for me to get out my pathetic sandwiches and try not to get too many crumbs in the keyboard. I get the feeling that the girl I'm standing in for is a clean freak. I might just throw a bit of cucumber down there to spice things up.